5 Ways to Suck at Marketing

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5 Ways to Suck at Marketing

“unveiled for-the-very-first-time.”

The information contained within this Article if followed to the “T” will surely have you sucking at marketing in every fathomable way possible. To ensure your success, please follow every step carefully, and be sure to read through things thoroughly. Partially inspired by HubSpots ‘How to Suck at Marketing‘

With much buzz being in the realm of social media lets start there with SMM (Social Media Marketing/Management).  When it comes to Social Media Marketing/Management and having your message be spread far and wide there are certain elements that are critical to the success of any Social Media Campaign. These elements include:

1.  Joining every group under the sun purely because ‘it has a lot of members’. Max sure you’ve taken all your 300 spots.
2.  Liking a bunch of pages for the same reason only with the intent of spamming the page’s wall.
3.  Updating your own page or profile only once in a great while, and when you do always trying to sell something to your audience.
4. Following people that you have no particular interest in simply because you think you can #hashtag some of their trending topics to get on their page.

• DO NOT: Join based on your target demo and psychographics. Particularly ones that seem to show consistent and high engagement. It is also extremely cautioned against trying to build a ‘tribe’ / ‘community’ of people who enjoy the value you’re delivering to them on a consistent basis.
• DO NOT: “Like” pages similar to your own and especially do not comment or engage with those pages pictures, links, or videos as an attempt to build a following of people who have already expressed interest in brands similar to your own.
• DO NOT: Update your page or profile on a consistent basis with 80-90% being value focused content, and 10% being a blatant (but welcomed) attempt to have your audience purchase your products. It is critical that you DO NOT schedule your posts for between 1-3pm Mon-Thurs on Twitter, and 1-4 PM Mon-Fri (Weds being the biggest at 3PM) on Facebook. Doing so could result in unexpectedly high CTR’s (Click-trough-rates). That is the last thing you want.
• DO NOT: Follow people that share similar insights as you or your brand that you can have meaningful, open communications about between the two of you.

Search Engine Optimization (SEO)

This topic is relatively straight-forward. While most “experts” claim that post Penguin Panda has changed a lot in terms of working back-linking, social bookmarking and WEB 2.0 strategies. This is all a lie. Just like global warming (who believes in that any way).

Fact of the matter, is a truly successful SEO Strategy will:

1. Have as many keywords as possible regardless of whether or not the anchor-text is split up or not.
2. Not spend time worrying about grammar, it’s only the crawlers that matter. If ‘content were really king’ people would remember whose quote that actually is.
3. Take ANY and EVERY back-link that is obtainable regardless of the website its pointing to, or the PR it has.

• DO NOT: Focus on 3 keywords or less per post/page to gauge which words are actually drawing traffic or not. Also avoid using direct, and mixed anchor text. Example being: With a keyword of ‘Apple pie’ ‘Apple’ and ‘pie’ spread throughout your writing as well as including ‘apple pie’. The last thing you would want to do is have 3-5 of each of your keywords spread out throughout your article in a grammatically correct yet enticing manner. As for Tags, there’s really no point at-all in putting your keywords in there. Unless you like getting traffic. Aside from that, no reason at all.

• DO NOT: Spend time writing, or having content written for the sake of people who might actually read it. These people only care about things that deliver valuable insights, and information, and let’s be honest – who has the time for that any way? Thinking that keyword research, observing Google trends, and determining highest keyword benefit(s) is something you should do, is simply not worth the trouble.
• DO NOT: Only accept back-links from credible sites, and ideally one’s that have a PR Score of 4 or higher.

When it comes to getting people to click on your stuff, this one is a lot easier than most people think. Fact of the matter is, all you have to do is load any image from your desktop and use that as your Ad-Image. Next, when it comes to Title – put something here that sounds really gangster. Ideally, you want to have 1 word misspelled  Description – this is where you put in as many iterations of of ‘Click Here’ as you can possible think of. Examples being:

Click Here
Click Here Now
CLICK THIS AD
CLICK to Find out More!
CLICK CLICK CLICK
CLICK to Get Started!
Click to See Video!

Under no circumstance should you consider using one over the other, if they all don’t fit in your ad description space, just leave it blank – no one looks at it any way.

• DO NOT: Invest time doing market research for images that would be most appealing to your target audience. Doing so could result in incredibly high CTR’s of 4% or more.
• DO NOT: Spend time contemplating which ‘power words’ would be the most attractive in the eyes of your dream customer, yet alone put yourself in their shoes.
• DO NOT: Inject any type of curiosity, call to action, or monetary incentive in your description.

There is only one thing you need to know about email marketing.. and that thing is that you don’t need to know anything. Once you’ve obtained a visitors contact information and converted them into a lead, you can literally just blast them into oblivion with as many messages as your hosting server can handle. If they unsubscribe, no sweat – they probably weren’t going to be your customer any-way. Mark your messages as spam? No worries, they probably hit it by accident next to the “I’d like to receive more messages similar to these” button.

Fact of the matter is, there’s really not much more too it than that. Just go with the flow, if you happen to have someone who stays on your list long enough even after all the messages you’ve sent them, then make sure you call them up and ask them why they’ve chosen to remain a subscriber (while yelling). You could very well find that your emails caused people to laugh themselves to death which would lead to an ever-expanding list of subscribers with a 0% open-rate.

• DO NOT: Personalize your head-lines.

• DO NOT: Waste any time contemplating what frequency would work best for your type of business.
• DO NOT: Spend time researching when is the ideal message time to achieve optimal open and click-through rates.
• DO NOT: Ask someone for help who has a proven formula that’s been proven to lead open rates up to 25% and CTR’s up to 50%.

 

Finally, when it comes to these new things called “Mobile Devices” this is by far the least important of any marketing strategy. There is no reason what-so-ever why any company should be pursuing this as a marketing channel. With the way things are looking, it’s very likely we will be moving towards the way of the sun-dial.

• DO NOT: Attempt to use mobile as a means to increase top line revenues and B2C engagement. Yet alone, prevent your brand from falling behind in the consumers eye by gaining access to the more than 188 Million U.S. mobile device users whose time spent last year showed a 525% YOY increase.

Follow all the steps above, and you’re sure to have the-worst marketing strategy ever created. If the aforementioned material is not sufficient, and you feel an alternative must exist, you’re right..

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